Perfect?

Have you ever had someone that really likes you, but you have made it obvious, from the start, that you never felt the same? And when you told them how you felt, it only made the guilt that you had before increase? And did you think telling them that you want them to forget about you was going to work? Did it?

For me, it's: Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

Have I been on the other side of this? I dont think so. Ive had some big crushes, but never to the point where they were worried about me. If they told me "I want you to leave me alone, for your sake", I would.

But this girl, she is...I keep saying psycho, but she's just lost. She called me perfect and talked down to herself. That's shit that I do, but I have the right to...cause my taste in women is great and I'm unworthy. Haha. But for me, to be called 'perfect'...is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Maybe Im being too modest, and maybe most people would say "yeah, I know." but I'm different, that's obvious. I'm far from perfect.

I guess I've never done well in my past as the one who gets liked, but only because I've been particularly 'picky' since my last girlfriend. She really liked me and I was desperate, so I just gave in and we went out. Then I broke up with her because I thought I could do better than her(and I did feel a little guilty) and I've been single since then. That was almost 5 years ago.

I love attention. It's been the one thing I thrive on. But I only like attention that I deserve or want. I dont deserve her attention. I found myself being myself(too nice), leading her on. And when I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I was in her parents van all alone with her in the middle of nowhere at midnight, forced to make a decision. Luckily...I did the bare minimum and was able to escape....not only that night, but that whole situation.

We havent even talked since then. I avoided her. When I found out she knew that I was avoiding her, I thought it was good cause she'd get the message. But when she saw me at the gym playing basketball, she didnt even act mad at all, which made me think she was crazy. It had been a month of ignoring all the calls/messages, and she showed no anger in my face. I was told I should finally tell her whats going on.

The message I sent...was a long one. It was a nicely as you could put it. Maybe one of the greatest rejection letters of all time. I didnt get a response...still havent. I only found out, through a friend, that she read it and liked that I finally said something. I thought I had won.

Of course, through facebook statuses, she talks about me indirectly. Thats when she called me perfect, hinted at that night in her parents van...and keeps complaining about loneliness. Should I feel guilty? Maybe. Am I? Yes.

Rejecting people...its not easy. When you play the nice guy role, trying to be as good as you can to everyone....when it comes to moments where being selfish is the only way to make a stand...it hurts. Not because you're hurting someone, but because your perception on yourself changes. Am I bad person? No. Am I a good person? I'd like to think so. Am I perfect? Fuck no.

I told her I was sorry, multiple times. I just want her to forget about me, for her sake. Why stress out about me? I'm no one. I'm not special. I'm just Daniel. Please find someone else, someone who is better than me. That's just about anyone.

'Twas Fate That Brought Me Back

Why don't I post here more often? I keep telling others that it's hard to write about my life on facebook when I have so much pressure to not say anything too "over the top" with all the family I have as friends. I now know why people have multiple accounts, haha.

Obviously, for those that have followed my life, it's been about the farthest down it has ever been, but has also reached it's highest point. I lost my mom on the 17th of June last year, same day the Lakers won the championship...how messed up is that? Haha. I've said that Sasha was a big part of keeping me from doing anything stupid while the idea that my mom was gone was fresh in my head. If he doesnt make those free throws and we lose...Im probably not here...so thanks Sasha.

Maybe the biggest part of my recovery was music. Music. Maybe the most amazing thing in the world...when made/used correctly. Haha. My love for music before my mom's passing was nothing big at all. It was just whatever sounded cool...lyrics came 2nd, instruments came 1st. Once you emotionally connect to a song, that song becomes a friend, more than just a song you like. It helps you in ways unimaginable. Now it's the lyrics of a song that come 1st no matter what. It still must sound cool, but if the lyrics are there, it's a keeper.

Pearl Jam was always there for me. Always. As a child, as a teen, as an adult. My love for them has grown as time has passed, and now, I find myself awaiting anything new from them everyday. Just this year alone...and it's only August...I've spent most of my money on their music(Live on Ten Legs, Vs./Vitalogy box set and Eddie Vedder's Ukulele Songs). And it's not gonna stop...cause I plan on getting the PJ20 soundtrack(2 disc, 29 unreleased songs....of course Im buying) and seeing PJ20 in theaters. They were important in my recovery....but it was someone unexpected that really helped me out of my hole....

Sarah McLachlan. Where has she been all my life? She came to me one lonely night and put me back on my feet. I really can't emphasize how much she has done for me in such a short time, and if not for the mistake of waiting for her after her show at the Hollywood Bowl on the 2nd night instead of the 1st night, I could have told her. She has always been around in my life, I heard about her all the time, heard her music a lot in the late 90s/early 00's, but she was just someone who had a really good voice to me then. Now, she is my favorite female musician.

Possession, Fallen, Sweet Surrender, Rivers of Love, Building a Mystery, Elsewhere, Path of Thorns, Adia, Hold On, Awakenings, Loving You Is Easy, Plenty, Circle, Forgiveness, Heartbreak, Into the Fire....the list keeps going. These are all great songs. And it was Fallen, 5 years ago, that set up this love that I have for Sarah. The lonely night...I was listening to sad music...Fallen was a go to...but that night..."what other Sarah songs do I know?" I knew Angel from the ASPCA commercials, and I Will Remember You was still known to me, for whatever reason, so I stayed away from them. But Building A Mystery, Adia, Sweet Surrender...those 3, I played and remembered from the radio on car rides over 10 years ago. But there was a 4th...maybe the best song I have ever heard...Possession. The organ intro...when it played...I might have cried. Haha. It's so beautiful...but I remembered it's beauty from all those years ago.

What that night did was turn me on to her other work. Then there was all these other songs like World on Fire, Stupid, Push...it was maybe the best thing to ever happen to me at that time. While Pearl Jam helped me stay alive...it was Sarah that helped me out of the hole. Since that night, Ive accomplished more than I had ever done previously. I've never been this happy.

Seeing her at the Hollywood Bowl...twice, it was just....the highest I have ever felt. Playing my favorite songs...hearing it all live, her modest and funny attitude, I fell in love. I've never talked about it...but the day after the 2nd show...I was sad. I was maybe the saddest I had felt in a year. Not only because there was no 3rd night(haha), but because I loved her and feared I'd never be able to tell her. And when I say "loved her", I don't mean 'love' like "married" love, I mean like "I love you, you have saved me". So I felt inspired to now...be a musician as well...so that one day, I can be on stage with Sarah McLachlan. I think...by reaching that point, Id show how much I loved her.....or it was just a concert hangover.

While music saved me, it was the friendship of Alysa, once again, that also played a huge part. Her family "adopted" me in a way after my mom's passing, and I have either been at their house or spent time with them most of the time since the passing and now...and I hope that never changes. I love them.

I was looking at my last post...before I posted this one...and saw that I was wondering if my life was about luck or fate....and it mustve been fate, cause when I think of luck, I think it means good, and it hasnt been all good. It's sad that I've mentioned my mom in a lot of what I write, and she was the 1st close person to me that passed. If it was fate that she would pass and I'd end up experiencing all that I did after...I'm not sure I'd agree with it, but it was my mom that told me everything happens for a reason. I'm just mad that I don't know if my mom even likes Sarah McLachlan. Haha.

Luck or Fate?

If you ask me how Id describe my life, Id most likely say I was just lucky. Luck has been something I've said forever to describe how my life is. I can't say Im in the best position, but I probably deserve to be in a worse spot, and Im just lucky to be loved.

While luck may be what I think describes my life, my mom has said it's just fate and that everything has happened for a reason. Obviously, everything happens for a reason, and as a positive guy, I'll always think that. But the indecisiveness of answering whether my life is luck/fate will probably never be answered until the luck and fate have put me in a better spot.

If you you combined the words luck and fate, you'd get late or fuck, and while there really is nothing in common with late/fuck and luck/fate, my life has proven that Im a late bloomer and that Ive been fucked over a few times, so...there's that.

There's really no point to this blog except to remind myself later in life when I look back and decide if it was luck or fate that brought me there.

(This blog was inspired by the formspring question "Do you believe in fate?")

Summer's Been Cut Short...

The "do or die" season that Sasha Vujacic was heading into for the Lakers next season was supposed to be one that would be helped by the Summer he would spend playing basketball for the Slovenian National Team...well, that didn't last long.

It was reported earlier today that he had been cut from the team.

There haven't been any details, just a basic "he was released...blah blah blah...minor knee injury". Something's not right here...

Based on a report I read on Sasha's site, "announcing" that his knee was 100% healthy, and then these reports say the knee was bothering him, I have no idea what to believe. All I know is, he went to Slovenia to work on his confidence in his shooting and he ended up being cut, which probably won't help his confidence.

The saddest thing about all this is many of his fans believed that he would be able to turn things around with the help of this Summer in Slovenia. And now, we're back to worrying about if/when he'll be traded/released.

I want to stay positive, I want to say he'll turn things around, and I want to say he'll prove everyone wrong, but at what point do you just say "it's not happening"? When he's missing all of his shots? When he's getting ZERO playing time? When he's cut from his country's national basketball team? (I'm sure many people couldn't name a single player on the team, which is even more embarrassing)

This post is all in frustration and I'm sure tomorrow or months from now, my thoughts will be different from what they are in this post, but, am I wrong for posting this?

And in no way is this anger towards Sasha, this is anger towards whatever reason he was cut, anger towards whatever reason he's missing shots, anger towards all the fans who criticize him, and anger towards the pressure on him going into next season.

I haven't given up on Sasha and I haven't had that thought ONCE cross my mind and I do believe he will turn it around...but at what point do you stop praying?

From A to B and Everything in Between...

"World Champions."

In 2003, I found my love for sports. I was a "late-bloomer" because my parents weren't into sports. It wasn't until I met my would-be stepmom that things changed. I fell in love with sports and it hasn't stopped since.

Since 2003, it was tough because I had never known the feeling of winning a championship. I had loved the Broncos from 03-06, Dodgers 05-now, Lakers 05-now, and it seemed like they always got pretty close but never won. So when the Lakers won this year, it was meaningful, like truly meaningful and amazing.

The strange thing though is that I didn't feel any different at first. I felt like any other day. I expected to be crying and going crazy, but I was about as excited as if we won a preseason game. It didn't feel like we won. I feel like it's too good to be true that I didn't believe it.

It wasn't until Sasha tweeted "World Champions." that I realized the greatness and significance of this win. Then I realized how amazing it's been to go from disappointment to the very top. But what is also amazing is what has happened in my life in that time period.

Since the Lakers lost to the Celtics in the Finals last year, I've gone through one of the most amazing up-and-down rollercoasters I have ever been on. From being the "Fan Spotlight" on Sasha's site and being known as one of his biggest fans to getting kicked out of another high school and going through my mom and stepdad splitting up.

The creation of Sasha's site was something that I would've never guessed being significant in my life. I remember being excited for Sasha's site but I didn't expect it to be as great as it is. I remember thinking how cool it would be to be the "Fan Spotlight" only after it's first week. And to think that I would be the 2nd ever(first male) to do it, is just amazing. The amounts of friend requests and messages were crazy but I didn't expect it to get as crazy as it did.

Being viewed as this "Sasha look-alike" was silly to me. Some look at it as intentional, but I'm saying it now: I'm not trying to look like Sasha. It started off with just growing my hair, then people said things and others caught on and then it became this big thing, which I don't mind at all. I'm having a lot of fun with it and enjoy every minute of it.

4/4/09. That was the day of the Sasha/AT&T signing in Torrance. If there was one day I'd wish to relive, it would be that day. We were all around L.A. that day. I woke up at like 5( I slept like 3 hours), went to work with my dad, went to Irvine, then Torrance, then back to Irvine where we slept in a hotel for my sister's pageant. It wasn't just the signing that was crazy, it was everything about that day that was nuts.

The signing though, man, nothing like I expected it to be. The idea that girls were taking pictures of me and with me, I've never been in a situation like that. Another unknown thing about that day was that I had to pee before the signing and didn't get a chance till after the signing. I got there around 2 and didn't pee till about 5. If you can imagine, right before I went up to Sasha, I had to pee the most. Haha.

I still can't believe talking to everyone and all that going on. There was one family who apparently really liked me and one girl wanted me to go see a movie with her and all this stuff. Like being known as the "Sasha look-alike" has so many positives and that's why I'm doing it. I'm having fun with it and people like it so why stop?

I'm probably the most featured guy on Sasha's site, being mentioned in probably every other article. I almost feel guilty because I feel like people look at me as 'obsessed' and trying too hard for attention. I just happen to be in the right spot at the right time. I'm lucky, that's all it is. But I still feel like people won't understand. I haven't heard anything yet, but I feel like seeing my name all the time makes me seem crazy. Or, maybe I am wrong and people like seeing my name.

In no way do I regret being mentioned or hope to be mentioned less, because I love it. My life has never been better. I really have to thank Sasha and everyone who works on his site for making my life so much better. Everything that's gone on in that time period wouldn't have been as easy without being mentioned on Sasha's site.

So, there was all this negative happening around me yet all I cared about was positive over the past year. I still can't believe everything that has gone on and really am truly grateful for everyone and everything positive that has happened.

I usually never write about good stuff that happens in my life in fear that I might jinx what is happening but moments like this don't happen often and I really felt it was time. I've always written about the negative points in my life and they were always depressing for people, but I have no idea. I just felt like writing something positive for once.

But anyways, to end this "rant", I really have to thank some people for making this year so great:

1. Sasha Vujacic(obviously) and the Los Angeles Lakers
2. Everyone who works for Sasha's site, you have no idea how much it means to me.
3. TheLakersNation Forums, everyone on that site has been amazing.
4. My best friend Alysa.
5. My family, definitely definitely definitely. Working through everything.

So now what? Life doesn't end here, does it? Right now, I gotta live in the moment and just hope we can do it all over again next year.

What An Amazing Night.

When I heard Sasha was throwing the first pitch(3rd really, 2 people threw before him) at the Dodger game, the first thing I did was text my mom. The message said:

'Mom, is there any possible way we/I can get tickets to the Dodger game this Friday? Sasha is throwing out the first pitch...'

That was at 11:06 on June 3. I got this message at 1:57 the next day:

'I got tickets for all of us to go tomorrow.' ('all of us' being me, mom, sister, brother, mom's friend)

Filled with excitement, I watched the Lakers win Game 1 of the Finals later that day, already knowing that the next day would be a good one. However, I was so excited, I had a hard time trying to fall asleep. I finally fell asleep a little after....5 A.M. 

I finally woke up around 3 P.M. and just waited for time to go by. Then we left for the game. When we got there, the weather was much more beautiful than it was at home. We read it was possibly going to rain, but there was no chance with how nice the weather was that day. 

When we got into the stadium, I kind of left everyone else. I was focused on trying to find Sasha. When I found him, I took a picture from my phone, but there was no way you could find him. I sent that picture later that night to twitter and joked "Where's Sasha?"

While the rest of my family was walking to their seats, I stayed and watched from the top of the lower level seats, wanting to get close, but I didn't know what the Dodger stadium security would do, so I just stayed there. 

The funniest part was after awhile, Sasha got a glove, and started warming up with the Dodgers' ball boy. Sasha's throwing style is interesting, because it looks like he's gearing up for a big throw, and then it comes out slow. They did that for about 20 minutes. After they were done, Sasha was given his own Dodger jersey, a white home jersey with the name 'Vujacic' on the back and the #18.

When I had a chance, I went to find my seats. I talked to my mom about what was going on, and she said I could use her camera. So I went back to my spot, and just 'stalked' the situation, using the zoom on the camera to follow what was happening. 

When it came to the pitch, I started feeling chills. I spent the previous night watching videos of first pitch bloopers, so I was in this 'zone' where I felt this pressure like "Oh please don't let that be Sasha." As his name was called, the crowd was amazing. It was loud and just absolutely nits. I didn't expect that at all. With the way he's been playing lately, I was sure it would be either quiet or fans would boo. But I was wrong, thankfully. 

As he walked out, the excitement was building. He walked to the front of the mound, and then took a couple steps back to the pitcher's mound. I wasn't sure if I wanted to take a picture or not, but I got one right before the pitch. The pitch, from where I was standing had decent speed, and I didn't see Brad Ausmus'(the catcher) hand move at all, so, in my eyes, it was a perfect pitch.

After the pitch, I walked to my seat and got ready for what would be the most exciting Dodger game I had ever watched live. 

Ironically, before the game, I said that, lately, the Dodger games haven't been crowded like they usually are. Little did I know, there would over 50,000 rocking at Dodger Stadium. The energy was crazy. At one point, 'the wave' started and it was so crazy that everyone started doing it and didn't notice that Phillies' 2nd baseman Chase Utley hit a ball down the line, scoring 2 for the Phillies.

There were a lot of Phillie fans there. We were down for the entire game, so they were saying anything they could. We managed to get lucky on our 2nd run, where the ball bounced right under Phillies' outfielder Eric Bruntlett's glove, bringing Furcal home to make the score 3-2.

As the game went on, they showed a recap of Sasha's pitch and "The Bangles" singing the national anthem on the big scoreboard. When I saw Sasha's pitch from that angle, the pitch was perfect. And Sasha's reaction was the best, because not only was it excitement, it also seemed like he was relieved because of all the talk about him possibly bouncing the pitch.

The Dodgers' bullpen was the key to the game(along with some nice catches by outfielder Matt Kemp), keeping the Phillies scoreless from the 5th inning and on. When it got to the bottom of the 9th inning, a Phillie fan behind me said "Lidge will put this one in the fridge, he's gonna close it down."(Brad Lidge is the closer for the Phillies)

That 9th inning was...amazing. 2 outs just like that. Fans were about to leave. But Casey Blake kept it alive with a single, then James Loney worked out a walk. The biggest play to that 9th was the botched ground-ball to Phillies 3rd baseman Pedro Feliz, which allowed Russell Martin to be safe and put the game in Andre Ethier's hands.

Our seats were in the outfield, 1st base side, field level. When Ethier hit the first pitch into the outfield, it was right in front of us. We saw Eric Bruntlett's glove miss the ball just barely, and we won the game. I went crazy. I high-fived everyone. It was such an awesome feeling.

After the game, we were able to go down onto the field to watch the fireworks and it got crowded fast. I've been on the field once for the "Father's Day Catch" thing in 2007, and that was at daytime. This was at night-time and it was an amazing sight. Not only the fireworks, but to look up at the lights and the stadium all-around you, it's amazing. They shut down the lights and that was even cooler, because it's just a weird feeling, like "Why am I here? Why am I standing on the field of Dodger stadium, the field where so many legends have stood before? I'm not worthy, and why are the lights off?" It's a crazy feeling.

Then the fireworks went off as "Beat It"(Michael Jackson), "Panama"(Van Halen), and "Livin' On A Prayer"(Bon Jovi) played. It was the perfect ending to an exciting day. And to think, I would've never had that feeling if Sasha didn't throw the first pitch....

Also, Ethier's game-winning hit was the 2nd walk-off hit vs. the Phillies I have seen live. The previous walk-off was last year on August 12th. The Dodgers are 6-4 in games I go to, 2-0 vs. the Phillies.

Dodgers' Surprising Start Continues...

 The Los Angeles Dodgers continued their strong start to the season with a crazy May, going 20-9, it's highest win total in May since going 21-7 in 1962, all without Manny Ramirez. They also built on their lead in the National League West, leading the Giants by 8.5 games and also holding the best record in the Major Leagues.

 This month's MVP would easily have to go to Juan Pierre. Being the replacement of an all-time great in Manny Ramirez would be tough, but Juan Pierre has done THE perfect job in filling in the gap. He's easily been the most consistent hitter, batting .374 this season, which, despite not qualifying as a team high, is misleading as he's been the starter for the entire month.

 The "stinkiest" player of the month was Andre Ethier, who was easily playing as the best player on the Dodgers in April. His average fell from .306 at the end of April to .256 now. I have faith that he'll get back to where he was, but he's easily been the only one affected negatively(performance-wise) by the Manny suspension.

 The most surprising player has been...well, I'd say Juan Pierre, but its actually been the entire team. I don't think anyone saw us being the top team at the start of the year and especially after the whole Manny thing. It's been a fun season to watch so far, you just have to pray it continues. 

 The player to watch this month is Hiroki Kuroda, who is scheduled to pitch tomorrow after being put on the disabled list after his opening day start. When he's healthy, he has proven to be very good for us.....here's hoping he isn't put on the DL again. Haha.

 The games to look forward this month: From the 12th-28th, Interleague play.(12th-14th at Rangers, 16th-18th vs. Athletics, 19th-21st at Angels, 23rd-25th at White Sox, 26th-28th vs. Mariners) Always interesting, although it's kicked our butt in recent years.