Perfect?

Have you ever had someone that really likes you, but you have made it obvious, from the start, that you never felt the same? And when you told them how you felt, it only made the guilt that you had before increase? And did you think telling them that you want them to forget about you was going to work? Did it?

For me, it's: Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

Have I been on the other side of this? I dont think so. Ive had some big crushes, but never to the point where they were worried about me. If they told me "I want you to leave me alone, for your sake", I would.

But this girl, she is...I keep saying psycho, but she's just lost. She called me perfect and talked down to herself. That's shit that I do, but I have the right to...cause my taste in women is great and I'm unworthy. Haha. But for me, to be called 'perfect'...is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Maybe Im being too modest, and maybe most people would say "yeah, I know." but I'm different, that's obvious. I'm far from perfect.

I guess I've never done well in my past as the one who gets liked, but only because I've been particularly 'picky' since my last girlfriend. She really liked me and I was desperate, so I just gave in and we went out. Then I broke up with her because I thought I could do better than her(and I did feel a little guilty) and I've been single since then. That was almost 5 years ago.

I love attention. It's been the one thing I thrive on. But I only like attention that I deserve or want. I dont deserve her attention. I found myself being myself(too nice), leading her on. And when I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I was in her parents van all alone with her in the middle of nowhere at midnight, forced to make a decision. Luckily...I did the bare minimum and was able to escape....not only that night, but that whole situation.

We havent even talked since then. I avoided her. When I found out she knew that I was avoiding her, I thought it was good cause she'd get the message. But when she saw me at the gym playing basketball, she didnt even act mad at all, which made me think she was crazy. It had been a month of ignoring all the calls/messages, and she showed no anger in my face. I was told I should finally tell her whats going on.

The message I sent...was a long one. It was a nicely as you could put it. Maybe one of the greatest rejection letters of all time. I didnt get a response...still havent. I only found out, through a friend, that she read it and liked that I finally said something. I thought I had won.

Of course, through facebook statuses, she talks about me indirectly. Thats when she called me perfect, hinted at that night in her parents van...and keeps complaining about loneliness. Should I feel guilty? Maybe. Am I? Yes.

Rejecting people...its not easy. When you play the nice guy role, trying to be as good as you can to everyone....when it comes to moments where being selfish is the only way to make a stand...it hurts. Not because you're hurting someone, but because your perception on yourself changes. Am I bad person? No. Am I a good person? I'd like to think so. Am I perfect? Fuck no.

I told her I was sorry, multiple times. I just want her to forget about me, for her sake. Why stress out about me? I'm no one. I'm not special. I'm just Daniel. Please find someone else, someone who is better than me. That's just about anyone.