Perfect?

Have you ever had someone that really likes you, but you have made it obvious, from the start, that you never felt the same? And when you told them how you felt, it only made the guilt that you had before increase? And did you think telling them that you want them to forget about you was going to work? Did it?

For me, it's: Yes. Yes. Yes. No.

Have I been on the other side of this? I dont think so. Ive had some big crushes, but never to the point where they were worried about me. If they told me "I want you to leave me alone, for your sake", I would.

But this girl, she is...I keep saying psycho, but she's just lost. She called me perfect and talked down to herself. That's shit that I do, but I have the right to...cause my taste in women is great and I'm unworthy. Haha. But for me, to be called 'perfect'...is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Maybe Im being too modest, and maybe most people would say "yeah, I know." but I'm different, that's obvious. I'm far from perfect.

I guess I've never done well in my past as the one who gets liked, but only because I've been particularly 'picky' since my last girlfriend. She really liked me and I was desperate, so I just gave in and we went out. Then I broke up with her because I thought I could do better than her(and I did feel a little guilty) and I've been single since then. That was almost 5 years ago.

I love attention. It's been the one thing I thrive on. But I only like attention that I deserve or want. I dont deserve her attention. I found myself being myself(too nice), leading her on. And when I realized what I was doing, it was too late. I was in her parents van all alone with her in the middle of nowhere at midnight, forced to make a decision. Luckily...I did the bare minimum and was able to escape....not only that night, but that whole situation.

We havent even talked since then. I avoided her. When I found out she knew that I was avoiding her, I thought it was good cause she'd get the message. But when she saw me at the gym playing basketball, she didnt even act mad at all, which made me think she was crazy. It had been a month of ignoring all the calls/messages, and she showed no anger in my face. I was told I should finally tell her whats going on.

The message I sent...was a long one. It was a nicely as you could put it. Maybe one of the greatest rejection letters of all time. I didnt get a response...still havent. I only found out, through a friend, that she read it and liked that I finally said something. I thought I had won.

Of course, through facebook statuses, she talks about me indirectly. Thats when she called me perfect, hinted at that night in her parents van...and keeps complaining about loneliness. Should I feel guilty? Maybe. Am I? Yes.

Rejecting people...its not easy. When you play the nice guy role, trying to be as good as you can to everyone....when it comes to moments where being selfish is the only way to make a stand...it hurts. Not because you're hurting someone, but because your perception on yourself changes. Am I bad person? No. Am I a good person? I'd like to think so. Am I perfect? Fuck no.

I told her I was sorry, multiple times. I just want her to forget about me, for her sake. Why stress out about me? I'm no one. I'm not special. I'm just Daniel. Please find someone else, someone who is better than me. That's just about anyone.

'Twas Fate That Brought Me Back

Why don't I post here more often? I keep telling others that it's hard to write about my life on facebook when I have so much pressure to not say anything too "over the top" with all the family I have as friends. I now know why people have multiple accounts, haha.

Obviously, for those that have followed my life, it's been about the farthest down it has ever been, but has also reached it's highest point. I lost my mom on the 17th of June last year, same day the Lakers won the championship...how messed up is that? Haha. I've said that Sasha was a big part of keeping me from doing anything stupid while the idea that my mom was gone was fresh in my head. If he doesnt make those free throws and we lose...Im probably not here...so thanks Sasha.

Maybe the biggest part of my recovery was music. Music. Maybe the most amazing thing in the world...when made/used correctly. Haha. My love for music before my mom's passing was nothing big at all. It was just whatever sounded cool...lyrics came 2nd, instruments came 1st. Once you emotionally connect to a song, that song becomes a friend, more than just a song you like. It helps you in ways unimaginable. Now it's the lyrics of a song that come 1st no matter what. It still must sound cool, but if the lyrics are there, it's a keeper.

Pearl Jam was always there for me. Always. As a child, as a teen, as an adult. My love for them has grown as time has passed, and now, I find myself awaiting anything new from them everyday. Just this year alone...and it's only August...I've spent most of my money on their music(Live on Ten Legs, Vs./Vitalogy box set and Eddie Vedder's Ukulele Songs). And it's not gonna stop...cause I plan on getting the PJ20 soundtrack(2 disc, 29 unreleased songs....of course Im buying) and seeing PJ20 in theaters. They were important in my recovery....but it was someone unexpected that really helped me out of my hole....

Sarah McLachlan. Where has she been all my life? She came to me one lonely night and put me back on my feet. I really can't emphasize how much she has done for me in such a short time, and if not for the mistake of waiting for her after her show at the Hollywood Bowl on the 2nd night instead of the 1st night, I could have told her. She has always been around in my life, I heard about her all the time, heard her music a lot in the late 90s/early 00's, but she was just someone who had a really good voice to me then. Now, she is my favorite female musician.

Possession, Fallen, Sweet Surrender, Rivers of Love, Building a Mystery, Elsewhere, Path of Thorns, Adia, Hold On, Awakenings, Loving You Is Easy, Plenty, Circle, Forgiveness, Heartbreak, Into the Fire....the list keeps going. These are all great songs. And it was Fallen, 5 years ago, that set up this love that I have for Sarah. The lonely night...I was listening to sad music...Fallen was a go to...but that night..."what other Sarah songs do I know?" I knew Angel from the ASPCA commercials, and I Will Remember You was still known to me, for whatever reason, so I stayed away from them. But Building A Mystery, Adia, Sweet Surrender...those 3, I played and remembered from the radio on car rides over 10 years ago. But there was a 4th...maybe the best song I have ever heard...Possession. The organ intro...when it played...I might have cried. Haha. It's so beautiful...but I remembered it's beauty from all those years ago.

What that night did was turn me on to her other work. Then there was all these other songs like World on Fire, Stupid, Push...it was maybe the best thing to ever happen to me at that time. While Pearl Jam helped me stay alive...it was Sarah that helped me out of the hole. Since that night, Ive accomplished more than I had ever done previously. I've never been this happy.

Seeing her at the Hollywood Bowl...twice, it was just....the highest I have ever felt. Playing my favorite songs...hearing it all live, her modest and funny attitude, I fell in love. I've never talked about it...but the day after the 2nd show...I was sad. I was maybe the saddest I had felt in a year. Not only because there was no 3rd night(haha), but because I loved her and feared I'd never be able to tell her. And when I say "loved her", I don't mean 'love' like "married" love, I mean like "I love you, you have saved me". So I felt inspired to now...be a musician as well...so that one day, I can be on stage with Sarah McLachlan. I think...by reaching that point, Id show how much I loved her.....or it was just a concert hangover.

While music saved me, it was the friendship of Alysa, once again, that also played a huge part. Her family "adopted" me in a way after my mom's passing, and I have either been at their house or spent time with them most of the time since the passing and now...and I hope that never changes. I love them.

I was looking at my last post...before I posted this one...and saw that I was wondering if my life was about luck or fate....and it mustve been fate, cause when I think of luck, I think it means good, and it hasnt been all good. It's sad that I've mentioned my mom in a lot of what I write, and she was the 1st close person to me that passed. If it was fate that she would pass and I'd end up experiencing all that I did after...I'm not sure I'd agree with it, but it was my mom that told me everything happens for a reason. I'm just mad that I don't know if my mom even likes Sarah McLachlan. Haha.