Why don't I post here more often? I keep telling others that it's hard to write about my life on facebook when I have so much pressure to not say anything too "over the top" with all the family I have as friends. I now know why people have multiple accounts, haha.
Obviously, for those that have followed my life, it's been about the farthest down it has ever been, but has also reached it's highest point. I lost my mom on the 17th of June last year, same day the Lakers won the championship...how messed up is that? Haha. I've said that Sasha was a big part of keeping me from doing anything stupid while the idea that my mom was gone was fresh in my head. If he doesnt make those free throws and we lose...Im probably not here...so thanks Sasha.
Maybe the biggest part of my recovery was music. Music. Maybe the most amazing thing in the world...when made/used correctly. Haha. My love for music before my mom's passing was nothing big at all. It was just whatever sounded cool...lyrics came 2nd, instruments came 1st. Once you emotionally connect to a song, that song becomes a friend, more than just a song you like. It helps you in ways unimaginable. Now it's the lyrics of a song that come 1st no matter what. It still must sound cool, but if the lyrics are there, it's a keeper.
Pearl Jam was always there for me. Always. As a child, as a teen, as an adult. My love for them has grown as time has passed, and now, I find myself awaiting anything new from them everyday. Just this year alone...and it's only August...I've spent most of my money on their music(Live on Ten Legs, Vs./Vitalogy box set and Eddie Vedder's Ukulele Songs). And it's not gonna stop...cause I plan on getting the PJ20 soundtrack(2 disc, 29 unreleased songs....of course Im buying) and seeing PJ20 in theaters. They were important in my recovery....but it was someone unexpected that really helped me out of my hole....
Sarah McLachlan. Where has she been all my life? She came to me one lonely night and put me back on my feet. I really can't emphasize how much she has done for me in such a short time, and if not for the mistake of waiting for her after her show at the Hollywood Bowl on the 2nd night instead of the 1st night, I could have told her. She has always been around in my life, I heard about her all the time, heard her music a lot in the late 90s/early 00's, but she was just someone who had a really good voice to me then. Now, she is my favorite female musician.
Possession, Fallen, Sweet Surrender, Rivers of Love, Building a Mystery, Elsewhere, Path of Thorns, Adia, Hold On, Awakenings, Loving You Is Easy, Plenty, Circle, Forgiveness, Heartbreak, Into the Fire....the list keeps going. These are all great songs. And it was Fallen, 5 years ago, that set up this love that I have for Sarah. The lonely night...I was listening to sad music...Fallen was a go to...but that night..."what other Sarah songs do I know?" I knew Angel from the ASPCA commercials, and I Will Remember You was still known to me, for whatever reason, so I stayed away from them. But Building A Mystery, Adia, Sweet Surrender...those 3, I played and remembered from the radio on car rides over 10 years ago. But there was a 4th...maybe the best song I have ever heard...Possession. The organ intro...when it played...I might have cried. Haha. It's so beautiful...but I remembered it's beauty from all those years ago.
What that night did was turn me on to her other work. Then there was all these other songs like World on Fire, Stupid, Push...it was maybe the best thing to ever happen to me at that time. While Pearl Jam helped me stay alive...it was Sarah that helped me out of the hole. Since that night, Ive accomplished more than I had ever done previously. I've never been this happy.
Seeing her at the Hollywood Bowl...twice, it was just....the highest I have ever felt. Playing my favorite songs...hearing it all live, her modest and funny attitude, I fell in love. I've never talked about it...but the day after the 2nd show...I was sad. I was maybe the saddest I had felt in a year. Not only because there was no 3rd night(haha), but because I loved her and feared I'd never be able to tell her. And when I say "loved her", I don't mean 'love' like "married" love, I mean like "I love you, you have saved me". So I felt inspired to now...be a musician as well...so that one day, I can be on stage with Sarah McLachlan. I think...by reaching that point, Id show how much I loved her.....or it was just a concert hangover.
While music saved me, it was the friendship of Alysa, once again, that also played a huge part. Her family "adopted" me in a way after my mom's passing, and I have either been at their house or spent time with them most of the time since the passing and now...and I hope that never changes. I love them.
I was looking at my last post...before I posted this one...and saw that I was wondering if my life was about luck or fate....and it mustve been fate, cause when I think of luck, I think it means good, and it hasnt been all good. It's sad that I've mentioned my mom in a lot of what I write, and she was the 1st close person to me that passed. If it was fate that she would pass and I'd end up experiencing all that I did after...I'm not sure I'd agree with it, but it was my mom that told me everything happens for a reason. I'm just mad that I don't know if my mom even likes Sarah McLachlan. Haha.
